So, I've been having quite some problems. Or should I say, troubles...?
You know I've been single for probably the whole years of my life. That means 17. Don't count the little childish love story I had when I was in 3rd grade elementary school, nor the one I had with Jason. Because I never actually wanted to think that I loved them. Haha, call it a story.
And, that means I never really really loved by anyone. At least, none of these creatures called boys have ever confessed their interests on me before. So I never really knew how does it like to be loved by someone. Because I don't bother to know either. I've always believed that I can always find someone that I love out there who loves me back as who I am. Out, through the gate of my high school and the front door of my house. I'm still so young. Being 17 doesn't mean I can have a boyfriend. I don't know, I'm just not interested to have a relationship with anyone right now. And even if my biggest crush at school now finally confesses his love to me, I wouldn't accepted it. I have principal, and I want to keep it tight and clean. My record of love story must be awesome. Which means, I hope I'll date my future husband, without having any slip ups and bump into the wrong guy like normal girls nowadays. That's why I think as having boyfriend is a really big matter, just like marriage.
My mom only dated one guy for all her life, and she ended up marrying him. I've always wanted to have a love story like her. She's just amazing, now and then. Popular and surrounded by many guys at her collage, at her office and even loved by many of her bosses—but her choice downed to the guy that I called as my dad now. And now she teaches me all she knows.
But then there's this one guys that have been keeping my mind busy. Not because he gives me comfort and like leaving beautiful sparks on my days, but more because he kind of creeps the hell out of me. It started off around November 2012, probably. I can't quite remember, but it was around year end. He sent me messages how I should take my medicines, sleep well, and try to limit myself of keeping movie marathon and stay awake for hours till morning because I just told my friend that I was having fever. Well, must say I don't like attention that's given by someone who has no relationship with me—other than just 'friend'. I'm a girl, yes, but I'm definitely not weak and have mature thinking. I knew when I had to take the medicines, when I had to rest, all the limits. I didn't need you to tell. Then the messages kept coming like rains in a blizzard. I blame myself for giving him one little chance that opened the whole thing into bigger mess up I can't get out off. Long story short, now he's getting more into me, I guess. Everytime my club has something to do with going here and there, he would ask me first if I come too and if I'd take public transportation—because if I do so, he'd unhesitately offered himself to take me everywhere.
And I fuckin hate it, I swear.
Not that he's a bad guy. He's just too good. And all I wanna say to him is just that he's not really my type. As now I have all my eyes on Korean boys, I think it makes me as a perfection seeker in this case. Worst thing, I can't even stop and limit myself not to think about Zhang Yixing, even for a day. He's just so perfect. And when I take a look into my ordinary world again, the guy that has been looking out for me is way too different. There are times I try to make him realize I'm not planning on giving out high hopes, but it's like he's being obliviated by the foggy reality. I don't wanna get stuck with him forever. I don't want him to wait for me because I'm not gonna wait for anyone. I'll never. No matter how kind and loving or the so many gifts you give to me everyday, I'll never look at you. Because you've creeped me out.
But you're my friend, and I can't say that. But I want us to stay like that. Just as a friend, not something beyond that bound. I hope that you see this message because there are so many things I want to say but I know you're a sensitive person. As a good friend, I really don't want to see you sad. But then again, I don't want to make myself busy over you. Sorry to say, but I also have my own happiness.
And probably, one of it is by not seeing you in the mean time.