Hi! It's Saturday night, and unlike any other teenagers in my city, I just spend tonight (like any other night tbh) sitting at home staring into my laptop for dear life because that's literally the only thing I can do now. Because I'm ill. Three days going out with mom to random malls, I got sore throat, head ache, and flu. It feels winter for me because I keep freezing and my feet are damn cold :$ I wasn't going to post anything until new year because I don't like writing rubbish and tbh my ramblings are as bad as my life but I have no one to talk to because... I'm lonely. Yeah, sure I'm surrounded with my family and friends but recently I feel like I'm losing my sense of social. I feel so alienated.
I don't know is it me or is it them or is it the world that has problem but it seems like friendship issue will be my next best friend. Speaking of "friendship", I had a very terrible experience with making friends years ago when I was still studying in elementary school. I was so easily fooled and betrayed by many of my friends (yes, people, betrayal existed since long ago in my life) and thus I lived my life to impress other people. Because I was afraid that no one would want me as their friend. Which apparently, it was the truth. But as the time goes by, I learned and I changed myself. Much to my dad's words that I can't be an introverted person because that's a negative behavior. And so I changed, into a better person. I open myself to the world, not caring if I would get hurt or betrayed. My life slowly turning brighter and more cheerful because now I'm not that awkward anymore to start a conversation and people remember me.
But as I changed, people too. And in this case, my best friends. This is probably why I was so introvert back then. I'm possessive with what's mine, not only my stuffs but also my friends. When I see my best friend hanging out with a stranger, I feel so jealous. Because I wonder why wouldn't they spend their time for me? I have a very few best friends and mostly we share the same interests—that's what brought us together as a best friend at the first place. So I hope that we can hang out together spending time doing our stuffs together. Then this oh-so-called jealousy feeling comes over me when I see them happy with people I don't know. I suddenly feel left out and dumped >< It's rather unfair for me when I can't have fun without sparing a single second thinking about my best friends, wondering what they're doing now and at least, still showing them that things won't be fun without them. But it doesn't seem like it for my best friends. So the conclusion is, I think I'm the only one who actually has no friend. When I think and worry about them, they don't do that for me. Not that I want some repay, I just want to feel what is it like to be worried by my friends, having me flashing through their mind even for a second.
After all these years I tried to change myself, now I'm back to the old me. Live to impress. Simply because I'm so scared that they would leave me out here :'( No matter how many times I wanna walk away from them to find my own happiness with someone else, there's something in me that keeps telling me that they will soon notice my effort and respect me. The question is, will they?
Until next post and happy -soon- new year! xx