It's been a year, since my first ever Jakusai.
Time flies so fast, ain't it? At least, for some of us.
And I really, really hope, life would somehow slow down for a bit. Because time is what I need the most now. I need time to build back my once wicked wall of defense. I need time to think about my future. I need time to think about the decisions I'm going to make. I need all the time in the world to make plan B. I cried my heart out when I knew I didn't pass the chance in SNMPTN, for two days. It's as if my whole world crumbles apart. I was very disappointed with myself, so angry, and so sad. Just when I thought life was starting to get better, God decided to postpone everything and test me a little more. To see if I really deserve the happiness.
I guess it kind of work. I keep struggling, it's so hard to realize that some of my closest friends have already got a place in university while I still need to study for the national written test. I am so, so, so fucking tired of this. I start wondering if I really need a plan B. Do I really need to plan my life? To make a blueprint out of it? Hyung told me the other day that she never think about her future. She always follows along where the flow of the river brings her. She asked me to do the same thing, to stop thinking too hard about the future, about what to do or not to do. But I can't. It's not how I live. Well, maybe it does wonder for her. But the same weapon ain't gonna kill the same man, twice. I need to know what I have to do, I need to make a plan about everything because it keeps me organized and well-lived. To avoid being a useless human, I need to set my goals and determine my own way. This is where God plays His part.
It's like being punched with studded gloves right on my face. Over and over again.
I need a break. But I know I can't. I can never take a break until everything is settled. And I hope everything will settle down in the near future. I spend my nights being an owl. I stay awake until 10 pm, go to bed right after but can't sleep due to the rush hour in my head. I'll be lying on the bed just like that, staring into space until 3 am until I can finally fall asleep. Then I get up at 5 am to pray, getting ready to go to course and spend half of the day not being at home. It's getting on my nerves. Now I'm not sure anymore if I really want time to slow down or fast-forward itself.