May 31, 2014

Slow me down

It's been a year, since my first ever Jakusai.

Time flies so fast, ain't it? At least, for some of us.

And I really, really hope, life would somehow slow down for a bit. Because time is what I need the most now. I need time to build back my once wicked wall of defense. I need time to think about my future. I need time to think about the decisions I'm going to make. I need all the time in the world to make plan B. I cried my heart out when I knew I didn't pass the chance in SNMPTN, for two days. It's as if my whole world crumbles apart. I was very disappointed with myself, so angry, and so sad. Just when I thought life was starting to get better, God decided to postpone everything and test me a little more. To see if I really deserve the happiness.

I guess it kind of work. I keep struggling, it's so hard to realize that some of my closest friends have already got a place in university while I still need to study for the national written test. I am so, so, so fucking tired of this. I start wondering if I really need a plan B. Do I really need to plan my life? To make a blueprint out of it? Hyung told me the other day that she never think about her future. She always follows along where the flow of the river brings her. She asked me to do the same thing, to stop thinking too hard about the future, about what to do or not to do. But I can't. It's not how I live. Well, maybe it does wonder for her. But the same weapon ain't gonna kill the same man, twice. I need to know what I have to do, I need to make a plan about everything because it keeps me organized and well-lived. To avoid being a useless human, I need to set my goals and determine my own way. This is where God plays His part.

It's like being punched with studded gloves right on my face. Over and over again.

I need a break. But I know I can't. I can never take a break until everything is settled. And I hope everything will settle down in the near future. I spend my nights being an owl. I stay awake until 10 pm, go to bed right after but can't sleep due to the rush hour in my head. I'll be lying on the bed just like that, staring into space until 3 am until I can finally fall asleep. Then I get up at 5 am to pray, getting ready to go to course and spend half of the day not being at home. It's getting on my nerves. Now I'm not sure anymore if I really want time to slow down or fast-forward itself.

May 22, 2014

Hide and seek

I was slipping in and out of my consciousness when Eru sent me a message through LINE, telling that he was going to hold his second concert in Jakarta. And I wasn't really interested with him back then. But then I saw the poster and noticed there was Ailee, coming as a guest star and I quickly jumped out of my bed, called my hyung and told her Ailee was coming to town. I couldn't be any happier when she asked me to watch the concert together, but eventhough the ticket was pretty cheap for fangirls like us, I needed to think twice about throwing my money on someone I don't seem to fancy. The conversation left in uncertainty for few days until D-5 and hyung messaged me again, asking if I was still interested with Eru or not and I said of course I was but the price was a bit nonsense for a non-fans like me. She then told me she got free tickets and I was really grateful that she asked me to come along, out of all people she knows! /gasp/

So yeah, thank you so much for hyung's friend for tagging me along because it's rare to get free tickets nowadays hihi. I finally got to see Ailee live on stage right before my eyes and fuuccckkk her voice was just like how I had imagined it before ;__; She's a total perfection and is a professional when it comes to singing!

This is Intan... I'm sorry she's just a little insane

It was rather funny and tiring especially watching a concert of someone you don't really come to love or fond of, but it was worth it. I got two new friends and they're really funny and lovely! We didn't take photos of Eru nor Ailee but we recorded a lot of it. I don't think I can show you the video tho I always have trouble uploading to YT haha ;D Thank's for reading, have a nice day! xo

May 20, 2014

Time machine

I remember years ago when I was still a little kid, that I had always wanted to fast-forward everything. Let's be real, you always have that thought in mind, don't you? Especially when the dark days are approaching, you wish you can escape them and get into the good times instead of the bad one. But what's the fun in there? Now that I'm here, in the state where I've always wanted to be years ago, I realized that there's no need to rush things. I faced the downfall, the hardships, the failures, they only made me into a better person.

So yeah, I've officially graduated from high school :)

Anyway, weeks ago right when the national exam was finished, I had a tough argument against my friends. Well, you can't say it's an argument it's more like a debate of what kind of education would suit Indonesia the most. I personally hate how people in Indonesia see that education is a way for you to succeed on everything. It's more like the only way for you thus people start taking any ways for them just to be accepted in a prestigious school. And I hate that. I guess you've known me well that I'm the type of person who hates studying for something I don't like. Because I believe, if I study about a subject, I want to master it, and I want to make sure it'll help me in the future. But the education in Indonesia is really terrible. And I wish I can continue my study somewhere? Japan sounds like a good idea...

Thrift necklace

Unbranded shirt, pants, and shoes

This is a bit rushed (lol I know I said we shouldn't rush things) (I'm always rushed when it comes to taking ootd pictures). Went out to have a lunch with my family few days ago. When I looked into the wardrobe I realized I had no new clothes to wear so I kept recycling everything. I will go shopping new clothes once everything's settled because I can't shopping with occupied mind ;D The shoes are also really old they're my dad's and I just love oversized shoes because they're comfortable and masculine ^^ I rolled the pants and had an inspiration from Kris' recent street style when EXO-M went to LA, tho I don't wanna look that obvious like he did lmao. Wdyt?

The battle is not over yet. Next week, is the real battle and pretty please wish me luck for everything? :)

May 16, 2014

First rule of trusting other people: "don't"

Sometimes I wonder what makes a clique, click with the entire clique members.

Is it their money? Their cars? Their social reputation? Their sickeningly smart brain?

Because I have all of them, yet I'm always left behind like I'm some unwanted creature in the society. I was such an awkward person and very introvert back when I was still a blunt kid in elementary school. I had no friends to remember, had no good memories to reminisce at, had no memorable people to miss; I had nothing. All I did was study study and study because I had no friends to spend my time with, literally. It's not like I was disliked for my behavior because I remember they still talked to me. But at some points in my life, I never happened to like any of my elementary school friends.

Frankly speaking, I'm not afraid to talk about other people here in the blog. Because it has been my number one rule: if you're bad to me, I'll blog about you. And these people, are bad. Especially the girls. They're mean and I don't understand why on earth they still treat me like how they used to years ago. I mean, it's been fucking 6 years since we last saw each other, and yet when I met them yesterday, I still felt so left out and unwanted. I tried so hard to talk to them, to interact with them. I was more than happy to finally see them again. But they weren't. They just talked and talked and talked. They ignored me.

I'm glad they weren't my friends at the first place. I don't like having friends who talk back when I'm not looking and then sugar-coat everything when I'm around. Because these girls, are so much like that...

Last picture blurred. You know why...

Soooo I was so excited to see the boys yesterday because we never met each other before after we graduated from elementary school! One of them has even graduate from high school and is already studying in university aww so envy >< I'm not gonna miss them for sure lmao I don't like telling people I have a past with them because it hurts so much and I'm not even sure if they actually think I exist in their life. I feel much better to erase those girls from my life because they give nothing but miserable life.

But I'm gonna miss the boys. So see you boys on top! xo