December 26, 2015

Fear

I think it's easy to tell it just with one swift look at my face, that I'm not good in making friends. Because I'm awkward. And some people think I'm weird. Sadly, they just never tell me which part of me is weird, so I keep on living. Back when I was a little kid, I didn't have many friends. I only had like two best friends who happened to be as weird as me. We were the misfits. And I wasn't the type of student who fancy social interaction as well. My parents pushed me to focus on my grades so I spent most of my time at home, studying. I didn't have much time for going out making friends and be nice to the society. I was just the sidekick to the popular kids when they needed more people to play for their game.

Added to the fact that my father used to leave me for his work when I was still a kid, it becomes my biggest fear; being left. I hate it when people start choosing, because I'm sure as hell no one will pick me. I was never anyone's favorite, but I learn to get used to it, so it won't surprise me anymore when I was left in the corner alone because I'm apparently not their cup of tea. That is until I realized I couldn't be like that forever. So I started changing, trying to push myself into the society even though they're my worst enemy. I try so hard to fit in. I do everything to gain everyone's attention and to be their favorite. And it did work, I must say. At least it serves me quite a good time for all the effort I've wasted of not being myself just for the sake of having "friends". Because I know all along, no one will like this weird girl. So I never show my true colors to anyone.

Now that I thought I could finally open up myself and start making friends without putting any of my "masks", I realize it takes more than just being myself to hold them up. I hate when people think they can't take me out because I have a boyfriend. I hate it when people think they can't text or call me or make fun of me just because I have a boyfriend. I hate all the sudden changing atmosphere just because I have a partner now. I thought real friendship isn't like that.

I'm so tired. I hate crying over stupid things like this but I can't help but to wonder why people keep leaving me behind. Do I have to go back to the old me? All those years ago where I get used to people leaving me?

December 01, 2015

You should go and love yourself


Hiii! How are you guys? Oh wow, I miss blogging so much! I know I didn't write much last month. I was planning to make some posts but I always got myself caught between my tight schedule. It's not like I have many things to do... But this semester will soon come to an end and I will have to prepare myself for the final tests. I hate it. That means I will have to be prepared to see my grade this semester lmao. I will definitely work harder. Uh, that sounds familiar. I remember saying that to myself last year. Oh wait... it has been a year??? Time flies! It's been a year (++) since I became a college student. With final test coming around the corner, I think I'll be celebrating my new year in Jogja again. I miss celebrating new year in Jakarta, you know. The celebration is much more epic there, somehow. My parents told me they will come here so we can celebrate it together. I'm excited!


I've been listening to random songs recently. And what's stuck in my mind right now are no other but Justin Bieber's latest album, Purpose. I personally like Purpose, Sorry, and the very recent one, Love Yourself. It's funny. This is the first time I misinterpret a song. Maybe because the title doesn't go right with the entire song? I mean, "love yourself" usually goes with something that makes us feel better about ourselves. But then again, it's actually about a selfish girl who loves herself too much, that she should just go and love herself. Ahahahah. But anyway, I like it. Been playing it for many times already this week and I can't stop humming to the tune. What are your current favorite songs right now? :)


I start thinking about the continuation of this blog. I mean, I feel like I'm losing my identity here. I forget what kind of blog I want this to be shaped, thus it's starting to be lack of posts. I forget that this is a personal blog, where I can post anything about my personal life. I was pretty picky when it comes to posting new writings to the blog because I was too concerned about what the readers will say about it. So, few nights ago I talked to my boyfriend, saying I want to start making reviews on eateries and cafes here in Jogja. He sounded very supportive about it. Because I've been to too many places here and I actually have opinions about it. I hope I can get it started right away. Fingers crossed! xo

November 30, 2015

Drei


Bebe, happy three months.

I know, I know, I told you I don't celebrate monthversarry, but still, saying it won't hurt you, right? Even though we don't spend our day doing something grand like usual, I still enjoy my kind-of-special 24 hours that happens on every 30/31 each month. I guess what I want to say is, thank you for bearing it with me for the past three months. It's not easy, I can tell. I know I've brought you into endless chaos and catastrophe. And I know that somehow, no matter how much I hate fighting with you, my selfish and childish side will always find the way to start the fire. Every day I can't stop thinking what have I done in my previous life to finally have someone like you—someone who's very patient handling all my rambles and want. I've seen you cried, and how much effort you put just to make sure that I'll stay with you. And I swear, I have never had anyone putting that much effort on me. I still don't know why you choose me. I'm a train-wreck, I'm a mess, I can't even handle myself and sometimes I don't know what I want.

And yet you're still here.

You asked me once to rate my love for you on the scale from 1 to 10. And I said 1. You quickly made a face right then, haha. I answered 1, because I want my feelings to grow. I said 1, because if it were 10, then there wouldn't be any more room for the feelings to grow. I want to be a better partner for you. Especially because you said that my smile is what keeps you going. Honestly, I'm flattered. So I will try my best to keep smiling, for you. Even if you think I don't try hard enough, believe me, I do.

Thank you, bebe. I hope our relationship will grow into a better one.

I love you.

November 10, 2015

By the shore


Last Friday I went to the beach with my art group friends. It was my first time staying one night at the beach so I was pretty thrilled! The decision was made pretty quick, it was a last minute one so I didn't bring many preparation. We stayed at Krakal Beach (you can google that up) right by the shore. Funny thing is I didn't get scared of the dark at all like usual. I didn't have paranoia of serial killer roaming around our campfire to murder each one of us... lol. But anyway, I didn't really enjoy the short vacation this time because I suddenly caught a cold so I had to sleep earlier and left everyone. After waking up the next morning, I felt so much better so I decided to play with the water a bit to freshen myself before going back home.

November 01, 2015

Solitude

Sometimes I wish I was a busier girl.

With a very tight schedule and packed day, jumping from one activity to the other like a rabbit. Without having any time to rest at all. Not even to check on my phone except for some important calls and work-related notification. I wish I was colder. I wish I didn't have much spare time, so I couldn't rest and let my thoughts to wander off to things I shouldn't be thinking. I thought I've learned how to enjoy my solitude for 19 years. Guess I didn't learn my best.

So I wish I could be more focused on myself. Because I hate being dependent. I hate having to think about things I shouldn't be thinking, things that don't matter that much but still take so much space in my mind. I wish I were busier, so I couldn't stop and look around. To kill my self-dependency, to never lean on anybody.

Because we're finite.

And I want to be freed from all these haunting images that keep bugging me.

October 19, 2015

Lucky number

Hunted flannel shirt, unbranded pants, ICONinety9 boots

One of the best fashion advice I've read on the internet so far is to shop at the men's department. That's like the best way to spend your money on fashion for starters. Men clothes tend to be easy to be styled than women's. True. Especially because I have a larger body shape and size so most women clothes just don't have the right stuff for me. That's when shopping at men's department comes in handy. They're so much bigger, of course. But we women can still opt for the smallest size which is S. That's like the M size for us. I personally really love oversized and loose clothes. That's why I love stealing my brother's clothes or borrow my boyfriend's sweaters because they're hella big and makes me feel secure. Sadly loose clothes make me look so much bigger than my actual size lmao. Doesn't matter tho, the most important thing in choosing and wearing clothes is to aim for our personal comfort. People's thoughts can follow.

It's unbuttoned, did that on purpose


Talking about shopping at the men's department, I scored this flannel shirt from a garage sale in Kotabaru few days ago. I went there with my girl friends to kill some spare time. Right after we arrived at the venue, all my friends quickly scrambled over women clothing. I found some cute stuffs, but they're mostly not for my size so I was quite heart broken lol. I went over to the men's department, looking for something I could probably bag home for my boyfriend when I found this flannel shirt in its most perfect condition hanging by the rack. Hunted is a local brand by Rio Dewanto (yes, that hot guy who plays for Filosofi Kopi that I fall head over heels for) and I don't know what happens to the brand now but they surely have such fine sewing for a basic piece like this.

Anyway, my lucky number isn't 33, I've always been fond with number 4.

October 18, 2015

Au revoir


I remember being called as a hoarder by one of my college friend. We're not that close anymore though we're still seeing each other once in a while. I have a habit of keeping everything even if it's a junk to other people. But I believe I collect the same thing like you guys; memories. That's why I love taking pictures so much, why I'm such a social media addict, why I keep every single moment that's happened in my life into a digital work—because I love keeping memories where I can see them.

Yesterday I went to an event held at Kompas office in Kotabaru. I didn't really want to go, didn't plan to either. But because many of my friends went there, I did too. The place wasn't so exciting but I found few interesting pieces that entertained me. I took pictures here and there with my friends. Until the moment when me and my boyfriend wanted to leave the space, I realized my phone was no longer in my sight. Well, the real story is much more complicated. But that's like the main point; I just lost my phone. And this is totally making me feel sad and down. That phone is considered new. I just got it this year on my birthday. I keep so many things in that phone. Photos and videos, emails, personal information, everything. As a blogger and social media addict, my phone is everything. And what hurts the most as a hoarder is the history chat. I've lost it once when I changed my phone, now I have to experience it again. It's painful not being able to track my phone down. Now I wish it were an iPhone so I could track it.

But what's done is done. I'm grateful that it's just my phone, not my wallet. Also, I lock my phone and all the applications installed using password, so I hope at least it can prevent whoever holds my phone now to steal any information from it.

So long my love...

October 12, 2015

Where do dreams go when we're done dreaming them?

GB tee • Gesale skirt • Gowigasa sling bag • Friend's jacket • Solany shoes

What do you want to be in the future?

I remember having so much goosebumps when I was getting asked that question many years ago when I still hadn't known about how bitter life could be, or how picky the people around me. You guys probably told those adults about the dream of being a doctor, an astronaut, a president, all those big jobs and careers with huge responsibility. No, before you assume me I was gonna judge those dreams, let me tell you one thing; I was dreaming to become a minister. Or anything that works in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, to be honest. At least any kind of job that requires "suit and tie". Because I am surrounded with that kind of people. Almost my whole big family works for the government in the ministry. Only my father takes a quite different way by choosing the non-governmental way to make a living. It still takes us everywhere. But I got influenced mostly from my relatives. I remember paying them a visit in their office and spent my entire day following them. Though I didn't get to witness the detail of their works but still, that kind of experience alone is enough to make little Dyn to have such dream. When I told my parents about it, they were very supportive. Which is why now I am in a law school, trying to get some grip of what I'm going to face in the world of Indonesian governance.


As the years gone by, I learn one or two things about myself. One is that I can never stray away too far from the creative world; two is that sometimes your dream doesn't always go the same way with your passion. I admit it, studying law isn't really my thing. I hate the fact that it's so unpredictable and debate-able, making me hard to see the real meaning of everything I'm studying here. Studying law isn't really my passion, but it's something I need to do just because I have to. All this time, my childhood dream about working in the ministry has saved me many times from the indecisiveness of life. It has driven my life and even now that I'm here, it's all because of that dream. But along the way I keep questioning myself if I really want to continue doing this. My passion has always been revolving around art. Parents are not so supportive about this one so I keep it to myself and make art as my sweet escape. It's something that I do when I'm too fed up with my "real world", where my parents' expectation are waiting and people are watching too close, art saves me.


So if you ask me again, "What do you want to be in the future?"...

I can't really tell. But I wanna work in the creative industry. Something that is related with my passion. Be it writing, photography, or graphic designing. So far I really want to work in a magazine. The world of journalism has always been so interesting for me. If my study isn't enough to earn me a job in the journalism, I don't mind taking another course or study. It's so much better than sitting around wearing suit and tie while surrounded with people with the same mind who only see black and white in their worlds. I don't think I can stand that kind of environment. But I don't know, my parents will probably scold me because that means I'm throwing away my dream. Well, that doesn't sound too bad. I have many dreams anyway. If one goes down, I still have a thousand more waiting to be brought to life.

As long as I know what I'm doing and be responsible for my own choices, I'll be okay.

October 05, 2015

Chasing the sun


Yesterday I went to Merapi again. This time, not just looking from afar, but me and my friends got to see even closer the mountain itself. There's a volcano trip on the feet of the mountain. Since the road is impossible for normal cars to drive through, you'll need to get on a larga-tired vehicles like jeeps or trucks. You can rent a jeep for IDR 400.000 and it can bring up to 4 people at once (so you can share the payment with your friends!). Me and my friends wanted to see the sunrise so we rolled out at two in the morning. But we miscalculated at how long it took for us to get there. We arrived pretty early where the wind was still blowing so strong it felt like it was going to be a storm right there. But the people said it was normal at hours like that. In the end we managed to get on the tour at 4 am (it was supposed to be 3 at first) but the weather was pretty worrying. We failed to catch the sunrise, but it was still as good as ever witnessing how the universe woke up right before our eyes.

So breathtakingly beautiful...


And as usual, this guy right here accompanied me through the trip. It feels good to have a travelling partner that lets you experience each one of your journey together. But of course, we didn't go just by the two of us. That would be such a waste of money lol. I suggest you to at least bring four of your friends (three if you count yourself) because then you don't have to pay for the entire IDR 400.000 to rent the jeep all by yourself hahahahah. I went there with seven of my friends so there were eight of us so we had to rent two jeeps.


The volcano trip consisted of visiting three places. Not only you can see Merapi closer, but you can see some rock miners below the mountain. The road was very bumpy, I tell you. And it's not a pleasant trip because I couldn't sit properly. I remember missing smooth road once I get on the tour because shoot... guess I just dropped my butt somewhere up there lmao. So yeah, the road isn't very enjoyable, but the view is worth it. Another note you might want to add; always wear the right shoes when you're about to go to a mountain. I forgot that fact. As you can see, I wore my sandal instead and good thing it didn't break during the trip. Or else I had to go home barefoot-ed. After taking snaps around the hill of the mountain, the tour-guide took us to the destroyed houses that is used as a museum now. You can see many things that come from the late eruption of Merapi in 2006.


It was such an amazing trip! I've never gone to a mountain before because my parents don't allow me because of health issue. They'd be terrified if they knew I just went to see Merapi upclose lmao. And yet, I'm still okay! I mean there were times when I couldn't catch my breath because the steps were too steep and bumpy and I swear, the dust was no joke. I didn't wear my mask because I thought I would be okay. But for your own safety, it's always better to cover your nose and mouth. Everything was so gray and the dust sticks to your hair. I had a hard time washing my hair to get the dust clean. But all in all, it was amazing.

Sorry for the low quality of photos. Took them using my phone!