January 12, 2015

The monster within

Remember that time when I told you I had a problem with my personality that my parents had to send me out to a rehabilitation center for teenagers? It's not a new thing. I went into a fight with my classmate back then on my second year in senior high and it didn't end up good. All my friends were worried about my condition because I snapped at them all the time. I was angry for no reason and my behavior was similar like a woman on period. Even worse than that. I hated that I couldn't even figure out the reason why I acted like that. I tried to talk to my psychiatrist but it didn't help me much. I kept going back and forth with my mood and things got worse, I isolated myself from my family. I always knew that I'm no good in handling my emotion and the fact that I'm sensitive makes it even worse. I develop many new behaviors and most of the time, they're pretty destructive. One time I can feel like I'm up in the clouds, the next second I'll be covering myself under my blanket and lock myself for days, ignoring the world.

Even though I have friends to talk to, somehow I have trust issue that I makes me being secretive about who I really am and what disease lies within me. I always keep everything to myself. Which many say that it's not really good because telling my stories and problems will always reduce the burden. But I wish it were that easy. It was never that easy. Talking it out won't sort things out. At least, that's how I see it. Writing has been my only getaway because somehow I don't need advice, I just need someone to listen to me. So writing often comes in handy because I can pour out all my feelings without having to hear numerous useless advice about what I should and shouldn't do.

I was close to develop dual personality, my psychiatrist told me. And it would be harder to handle if I really did. I've heard about these people who change their behavior periodically and often address themselves as someone else when in fact they're still the same person. It's creepy, because how can two 'souls' live in one body and each soul has their own mind. Who controls who? Even until now I still have troubles controlling myself not to get out of my limit. I'm afraid that my friends can't accept me for who I am, with all my flaws and mistakes. Sometimes I question my real character when I'm around my friends. It's really confusing.


  1. Great post♥♥♥
    Would you like to follow each other?
    I'll follow back after it!
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  2. It must be hard, im wishing all the best for you. Keep the spirit!
    I also have trust issue, but sometimes you have to learn how to trust someone. I think its not healthy to keep things burried. And i think it depends on how much you want to change into a better person, and let YOU the one in control.
    Would you like to follow each other? I like your writings. If you want to, let me know ;)

    Xx heyitzliz.blogspot.com

  3. Nice pics! are very beauty!!
    Kisses from Spain.
    Xoxo, P.

    My Showroom

  4. Anonymous13/1/15 08:29

    Great pictures!


  5. I wish you all the best, stay strong!
    I'm following you :)

    Freak Muffin Blog

  6. Beautiful pics, very expressive. I think that the essential is to take care of yourself and let the bad people stay away from your life. Just be happy, it's difficult but I think that the best way is to start smiling a little bit more!




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