July 07, 2015

Even angels fall


Have you ever thought the life you're living right now isn't the life that you've always wanted?

Or, or have you ever felt like you're taking the wrong steps in your life?

Because I am feeling it right now. I feel like I didn't make the right choice. I don't like making choices. I think too much when I have to choose about what I'm going to do in my life. I'm never ready with the consequences that follow. You know, I have always known as one of the brightest student in high school. I made lots of achievements inside and outside the school. I have the coolest friends because they have the brightest academic records. The teachers know me and are very supportive with me because I have always been the good student. I had some subjects that I used to hate, but still had to get good score at it because school was like that. Otherwise my parents would ban me from doing extracurricular activity or spazzing over Korean boybands or going to concerts and even doing my hobbies, like writing and drawing comics. So I had to get good score on the least subject I liked. The thing is, I did great. Even though I hated the process because I didn't like the subject, I still managed to go through it all because I simply had to.

Fast forward to one year later, I'm in university now, living my life as law-majored student. And turns out there are just so many things I don't like here. I mean the subject I'm studying. Then why did I choose law as my major? I wanted to see if I could make my childhood dream came true. Because of this dream of studying law, my life has always been in control. The steps I took all the way before university, all of them were only so I could get into this major. Of course I have a plan once I graduate; to be an ambassador. But I grow up and find that my passion truly revolves around art. I love being a performer. I love dancing, I love playing theater, I love working with artsy people. My life in college is far from the typical law school student. I can't even see myself being one of those students who come up to join the debate competition held each year. Years ago, maybe I could. But now? I feel like I'm an outcast.

I'm having a hard time studying something that I just realized I had so little passion on. I can't turn back time and applying to another university is out of my choice because I ain't gonna spend another year becoming a freshman. Not when I have parents who demand me to quickly finish my education so I can get a decent job. So the only choice left is to cope up with all this mess I've pulled myself in and graduate as fast as I can. Still, I can't seem to find the right studying method. My grades aren't amazing. And most of the time I get Cs on every subjects. Bs if I worked myself harder and with the help of luck, A. But that's very rare. Whoever says studying law in Indonesia is an easy thing, pretty sure they don't know what it feels like to be one.

I am so tired of picturing how different my life would be if I took a different path.

Would it be beautiful?

Would I be happy?

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