December 26, 2015

Fear

I think it's easy to tell it just with one swift look at my face, that I'm not good in making friends. Because I'm awkward. And some people think I'm weird. Sadly, they just never tell me which part of me is weird, so I keep on living. Back when I was a little kid, I didn't have many friends. I only had like two best friends who happened to be as weird as me. We were the misfits. And I wasn't the type of student who fancy social interaction as well. My parents pushed me to focus on my grades so I spent most of my time at home, studying. I didn't have much time for going out making friends and be nice to the society. I was just the sidekick to the popular kids when they needed more people to play for their game.

Added to the fact that my father used to leave me for his work when I was still a kid, it becomes my biggest fear; being left. I hate it when people start choosing, because I'm sure as hell no one will pick me. I was never anyone's favorite, but I learn to get used to it, so it won't surprise me anymore when I was left in the corner alone because I'm apparently not their cup of tea. That is until I realized I couldn't be like that forever. So I started changing, trying to push myself into the society even though they're my worst enemy. I try so hard to fit in. I do everything to gain everyone's attention and to be their favorite. And it did work, I must say. At least it serves me quite a good time for all the effort I've wasted of not being myself just for the sake of having "friends". Because I know all along, no one will like this weird girl. So I never show my true colors to anyone.

Now that I thought I could finally open up myself and start making friends without putting any of my "masks", I realize it takes more than just being myself to hold them up. I hate when people think they can't take me out because I have a boyfriend. I hate it when people think they can't text or call me or make fun of me just because I have a boyfriend. I hate all the sudden changing atmosphere just because I have a partner now. I thought real friendship isn't like that.

I'm so tired. I hate crying over stupid things like this but I can't help but to wonder why people keep leaving me behind. Do I have to go back to the old me? All those years ago where I get used to people leaving me?

December 01, 2015

You should go and love yourself


Hiii! How are you guys? Oh wow, I miss blogging so much! I know I didn't write much last month. I was planning to make some posts but I always got myself caught between my tight schedule. It's not like I have many things to do... But this semester will soon come to an end and I will have to prepare myself for the final tests. I hate it. That means I will have to be prepared to see my grade this semester lmao. I will definitely work harder. Uh, that sounds familiar. I remember saying that to myself last year. Oh wait... it has been a year??? Time flies! It's been a year (++) since I became a college student. With final test coming around the corner, I think I'll be celebrating my new year in Jogja again. I miss celebrating new year in Jakarta, you know. The celebration is much more epic there, somehow. My parents told me they will come here so we can celebrate it together. I'm excited!


I've been listening to random songs recently. And what's stuck in my mind right now are no other but Justin Bieber's latest album, Purpose. I personally like Purpose, Sorry, and the very recent one, Love Yourself. It's funny. This is the first time I misinterpret a song. Maybe because the title doesn't go right with the entire song? I mean, "love yourself" usually goes with something that makes us feel better about ourselves. But then again, it's actually about a selfish girl who loves herself too much, that she should just go and love herself. Ahahahah. But anyway, I like it. Been playing it for many times already this week and I can't stop humming to the tune. What are your current favorite songs right now? :)


I start thinking about the continuation of this blog. I mean, I feel like I'm losing my identity here. I forget what kind of blog I want this to be shaped, thus it's starting to be lack of posts. I forget that this is a personal blog, where I can post anything about my personal life. I was pretty picky when it comes to posting new writings to the blog because I was too concerned about what the readers will say about it. So, few nights ago I talked to my boyfriend, saying I want to start making reviews on eateries and cafes here in Jogja. He sounded very supportive about it. Because I've been to too many places here and I actually have opinions about it. I hope I can get it started right away. Fingers crossed! xo
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