December 26, 2015


I think it's easy to tell it just with one swift look at my face, that I'm not good in making friends. Because I'm awkward. And some people think I'm weird. Sadly, they just never tell me which part of me is weird, so I keep on living. Back when I was a little kid, I didn't have many friends. I only had like two best friends who happened to be as weird as me. We were the misfits. And I wasn't the type of student who fancy social interaction as well. My parents pushed me to focus on my grades so I spent most of my time at home, studying. I didn't have much time for going out making friends and be nice to the society. I was just the sidekick to the popular kids when they needed more people to play for their game.

Added to the fact that my father used to leave me for his work when I was still a kid, it becomes my biggest fear; being left. I hate it when people start choosing, because I'm sure as hell no one will pick me. I was never anyone's favorite, but I learn to get used to it, so it won't surprise me anymore when I was left in the corner alone because I'm apparently not their cup of tea. That is until I realized I couldn't be like that forever. So I started changing, trying to push myself into the society even though they're my worst enemy. I try so hard to fit in. I do everything to gain everyone's attention and to be their favorite. And it did work, I must say. At least it serves me quite a good time for all the effort I've wasted of not being myself just for the sake of having "friends". Because I know all along, no one will like this weird girl. So I never show my true colors to anyone.

Now that I thought I could finally open up myself and start making friends without putting any of my "masks", I realize it takes more than just being myself to hold them up. I hate when people think they can't take me out because I have a boyfriend. I hate it when people think they can't text or call me or make fun of me just because I have a boyfriend. I hate all the sudden changing atmosphere just because I have a partner now. I thought real friendship isn't like that.

I'm so tired. I hate crying over stupid things like this but I can't help but to wonder why people keep leaving me behind. Do I have to go back to the old me? All those years ago where I get used to people leaving me?

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