November 30, 2015

Drei


Bebe, happy three months.

I know, I know, I told you I don't celebrate monthversarry, but still, saying it won't hurt you, right? Even though we don't spend our day doing something grand like usual, I still enjoy my kind-of-special 24 hours that happens on every 30/31 each month. I guess what I want to say is, thank you for bearing it with me for the past three months. It's not easy, I can tell. I know I've brought you into endless chaos and catastrophe. And I know that somehow, no matter how much I hate fighting with you, my selfish and childish side will always find the way to start the fire. Every day I can't stop thinking what have I done in my previous life to finally have someone like you—someone who's very patient handling all my rambles and want. I've seen you cried, and how much effort you put just to make sure that I'll stay with you. And I swear, I have never had anyone putting that much effort on me. I still don't know why you choose me. I'm a train-wreck, I'm a mess, I can't even handle myself and sometimes I don't know what I want.

And yet you're still here.

You asked me once to rate my love for you on the scale from 1 to 10. And I said 1. You quickly made a face right then, haha. I answered 1, because I want my feelings to grow. I said 1, because if it were 10, then there wouldn't be any more room for the feelings to grow. I want to be a better partner for you. Especially because you said that my smile is what keeps you going. Honestly, I'm flattered. So I will try my best to keep smiling, for you. Even if you think I don't try hard enough, believe me, I do.

Thank you, bebe. I hope our relationship will grow into a better one.

I love you.

November 10, 2015

By the shore


Last Friday I went to the beach with my art group friends. It was my first time staying one night at the beach so I was pretty thrilled! The decision was made pretty quick, it was a last minute one so I didn't bring many preparation. We stayed at Krakal Beach (you can google that up) right by the shore. Funny thing is I didn't get scared of the dark at all like usual. I didn't have paranoia of serial killer roaming around our campfire to murder each one of us... lol. But anyway, I didn't really enjoy the short vacation this time because I suddenly caught a cold so I had to sleep earlier and left everyone. After waking up the next morning, I felt so much better so I decided to play with the water a bit to freshen myself before going back home.

November 01, 2015

Solitude

Sometimes I wish I was a busier girl.

With a very tight schedule and packed day, jumping from one activity to the other like a rabbit. Without having any time to rest at all. Not even to check on my phone except for some important calls and work-related notification. I wish I was colder. I wish I didn't have much spare time, so I couldn't rest and let my thoughts to wander off to things I shouldn't be thinking. I thought I've learned how to enjoy my solitude for 19 years. Guess I didn't learn my best.

So I wish I could be more focused on myself. Because I hate being dependent. I hate having to think about things I shouldn't be thinking, things that don't matter that much but still take so much space in my mind. I wish I were busier, so I couldn't stop and look around. To kill my self-dependency, to never lean on anybody.

Because we're finite.

And I want to be freed from all these haunting images that keep bugging me.