February 16, 2016

February the fourteenth

I know it's been late, but I can't keep this story to myself. I need to write it down in the blog. So as you guys know, last Valentine's Day was my first V-day celebrated together with a boyfriend. Right, usually I just shrug the day off because come on, you can always be romantic with anyone on any day, and it doesn't have to be on V-day only. So I never really take Valentine seriously. But it's all different now because I've got a boyfriend. And to tell you the truth, he's not the romantic type of person. I need to tell him about what I want before he moves. And it's okay for me because for the past few years, my communication skill is a mess so he kinda helps me to improve to communicate well. This time tho, I was wondering if he would finally step up from his usual 'game' and had the motivation to at least... give me something memorable on Valentine's Day. Not that it matters much.

Well, um.

Okay it does matter much.

I mean, this is going to be my first Valentine's Day. In the corner of my brain, the thought couldn't go away. I kept anticipating something from him but he didn't show anything out of the ordinary. And it was getting on my nerves when he told me he was going to go out with his friend on Sunday. I was half mad. But I didn't have the guts to tell him that I wanted to spend Valentine with him and him only all day. Like always, he never lied to me. So I believed it that he'd be going out with his friend. I didn't speculate anything because I was already mad.

I forgot the rest, but that night we spent our time fighting each other, going for each other's throat, I cried as always, he drove away and I got even sadder. Long story short, we had a great fight because I was expecting him to do something (also because it was Saturday night and the day after is Valentine, so I thought he would surprise me with something). It finally ended, because we were both too tired to fight anymore and decided to just drop the topic. He said sorry and told me that he had arranged a little surprise but then I kept pushing him so I ruined it.

And this pretty little buckets of flowers, chocolate, and sweet treats came in the morning when I was at his house. Our friends delivered it and I was sooo overwhelmed. I even cried in their presence and couldn't hide my happiness. Even though I already knew this was coming, but I still shed a tear because he told me he had planned this beforehand. And it was suppose to be a surprise. So there you have it, I have successfully ruined his surprise.

This Valentine's Day teaches me that I should never expect him to be like what most people do. He's already perfect, and I love him for all that he is. I shouldn't ask for more, for him to be romantic when he's not, to give me flowers when he doesn't feel like it, to buy me chocolates when he thinks I've had enough. I hate myself for trying to change him into the kind of boyfriend I want; romantic and thoughtful. He probably isn't as romantic nor thoughtful as anyone else in the world, but he loves me and listens to me. He tried but it failed, because of me. I'm not the best girlfriend out there, but he always make sure I get the best of his attention. Even through the simplest and stupidest little things that he does.

Happy Valentine's Day

February 09, 2016

When it ends you

Right now I’m browsing through one tag that I never thought I’d type in:

Depression quotes.

I always do that. Whenever I feel down or happy, sad, romantic, anything, I will go to Pinterest and start pinning images there. It helps the feeling to sink deeper into my mind. And looking at the images splayed on my dashboard right now, I feel terrified with myself. Am I really depressed?

The last few days have been a whee for me. And I can’t even explain why. And I guess that’s the worse part in life when you feel sad and you don’t even know the reason behind it. So I just start crying every night, I fall apart when everyone else is sleeping, after pretending like I’m okay to my closest people. But the truth is, I’m not okay. The next morning I will start faking everything all over again, hiding the truth about what is happening to me, tightly closing all the doors that keep my secrets and problems so people won’t be able to find out what’s wrong with me. I know it’s not wise to do so, but I have always been like that.

I’m that one person who only tells a story when I feel like it. Many times my friends tell me to just be open about what problems I’m facing, or if I feel like I hate one of them because of certain reasons. But I can’t. Because I like hiding everything. I keep them all to myself. I always overthink everything. If I open talk about my problems I have with everyone, it will only make the problems even bigger. And I need more time and energy to solve it. I can’t do that. I know this will only hurt my mind because nothing good ever comes from hiding problems.

I guess this is why I’m browsing the depression quotes tag.