February 18, 2017

In the most mundane situation


This is going to be my nth attempt on writing full from the heart about what's currently happening in my life right now. As I said in my previous post, I want to get back to writing again. I know I keep saying that the moment I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost my muse, and that I have to find a new muse to write again. I change my mind. I have always been my own muse. I write for myself and I write because writing makes me feel at home. Losing someone from my life shouldn't be a problem at all because what's meant for me will always find a way back. So here I am, writing again. This time, for myself.

After the break up, I felt like I was on a journey to find myself back. That sounds weird ass f but it's the truth. I didn't know what I want, and I thought he was all I need. He wasn't. Three months I tried to win him back, and it always ended up with nothingness. Until I grew sick of his little game and last week I decided to drop everything and move on. I always knew him and I would clash. Even from the beginning, we were so unexpected. None of our friends had expected us to be together. Because how could we??? We're fire and water and even though there are things that we share as something in common, we're still worlds apart. And like fire and water that we are, one of us always dominates the other. In this case, me. And really, I can take it if he broke up with me because I was too much for him and that he couldn't handle me. I thought that's all there is to our break up. But then a week afterwards, all of my friends, and literally everyone started telling me the truth of what was actually happening. He was seeing other girl even before the break up. Which tore me into pieces because how could he? Was I too much or was I not good enough? For the last three months, he kept pulling on my heart string, and I would ask him over time why would he do that. The answer is always the same; "Because I still want to see you happy". Which sounds like the stupidest joke ever because he knows exactly that if he does all those things, he'll get my hopes high and I won't be able to move on. And it makes me realize that, Eri is not the kind of guy who would do something for other people purely just to make them happy. No, he's not that guy. I was gonna give him an ultimatum, either he gets closer or stay away. Because having him in between is very exhausting. And I don't deserve being treated as a spare, let alone as a second choice. I deserve someone who will always choose me as I choose him back. And if he doesn't want to be that guy, then I'm wasting my time fighting for someone who can't even get his shit together.

So now I'm 'deleting' him from my life. And honestly, I've never felt so great before. It's the best feeling ever the moment I remove toxic people from my life and get on with it. I decided to remove our chat so I can't go back re-reading the chat history, and I also unfollow him on most of my social media. I start falling for other people again, and since I'm not attached to anyone, I can invest as much feelings as I want without having to worry about labels and commitment because right now, I want to have fun. Everyone says they miss my cheerfulness. So I'm bringing back that side of me again because I miss her too, I take more jobs, get involved with more events and activities, build more connection with people outside my circle, pay more attention in class, and... laugh more religiously. I barely think about him even in my busiest and loneliest hours and that's a good sign! I don't have the urge to constantly wanting to know what he's up to like how I used to because I'm too overwhelmed with life ahead of me.

I'm so excited with everything. It's always good to start a new beginning, like a newborn baby who knows nothing about the world. Because happiness is a choice. And whatever you are going through right now, I hope you always choose happiness.

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