June 16, 2017

Lotus


Oh she goes beyond your expectation? Good, good. Please don't let her go. Post her more, showcase her more. Praise her more. It will do you good. I'm too used feeling this way to even cracked open again. But I hope you're great. So great that I don't need to look for you every once in a while.

I'm sorry I didn't say anything on your birthday. Because I was so scared I would lose you again after knowing what she gave to you. Of course that shouldn't matter. I tried to involve everyone who loves you into your gift while she kept it nice and private and gave you exactly what you want. I just made things because I had no money to buy you that board game that costs me two weeks of my living cost. But hey, at least my gift was made by my own hands pure from the heart. But you didn't post it on your social media and confide it and so, up until today I think you hate it and find it ugly.

You like her in short hair. You used to plead me not to cut my hair even for an inch. Because you like it long so you can play with them. But that's okay maybe that's so you won't ever have to remember the pain you gave to me while looking at her.

Yeah, I do still have feelings for you. Not sure what feelings tho. Hatred? Anger? Jealousy? Disappointment? Or love? I have no idea. And I still like to touch the wounds whenever it tries to close up. Like what I did this morning when I checked your and her Instagram account out of the blue and saw everything I didn't really want to see, but well, it was as expected. My heart has stopped breaking because you can't break something that's already broken, right?

I hope you're doing great.
I hope you're happy.
I hope she's grateful.
I hope she's the one.
I hope you guys make it until the end.

In order to let go, I have to admit that I'm unhappy. Then I have to admit the reason why. And understand that I have to accept and let go. No more lying.

But I'm sorry that we still can't be friends. It's not that I haven't accepted you wholeheartedly, or I don't want to. But Sade's right; I can't force being friends with someone like you. If I were friends with you again, I would accept you as you are. And the more I accepted you, the more I wanted more. So I'm sorry that I still can't talk to you. Though I would love to play that board game you like so much hehe. You must be frickin happy to have her, since she goes beyond your expectation. While I was just like what you expected me.

Again, Sade's right. You forced the break up and closed the door when things were still unsettled. It was done for you, but not for me. And relationship is all about two people, so you can't expect things to be okay when you make decision for one. It's even worse when you just waltzed out of my life with another woman just like that and refused to settle things down until I'm satisfied with the situation. But if that's how you live, then I'm bound to feel this way.

I wish I can find my own happiness soon. Just like you did.
Even though a part of me says I still want you to be my happiness.
But we can still have our happily ever after ending, separately.

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