July 24, 2017

You need to see yourself first

Nevada dress, Nike sneakers

I'm a very competitive person. I see everything as a competition for me. I'm easily driven and I don't take loss very well. That's why I hate playing games where the competition is too high and I know I'm not gonna win many, because I don't like to lose. On one side, I think it's a good metaphor because I always strive to be number one. But on the other side, it's giving me burden. Just like when my ex decided to leave me for some girl I know, I start comparing myself to her. Being a snob that I am, I point out that I'm still way better than her, in my very own perspective. But of course it doesn't matter because even when I do feel that way, my ex has left me for her. As I've told you before, I don't take loss very well. It should have ended right away, but it didn't. I started competing with her in many aspects. From the way we dress, the way we do our make-up, the way we post photos on Instagram, the way we speak and how we put our bio on our social media. I'm so burdened with this imaginary competition. Because it's tiring. You know that kind of feeling, don't you? I want to stop, to not caring at all even if I'm not doing any better than her because that's totally okay. But I'd feel so low if I let go of this winning in her hand. It shouldn't be a competition at all. I should not compete with another person for love.

On the good note, I have learned a lot of things from this 'competition'. If you're a long time reader of my blog, you must have noticed the difference between my old outfit posts with my recent ones. Yes, now I do make-up even when I only do it for blog purpose. I like to confide that part very much because that's the most visible change that happens to me. This competition should end whether I want it or not. Because it's not healthy, it's not giving me anything in return, and it doesn't prove anything. I still have a long way to go to be a better person than before.

Oh, and, the title is inspired by my ex's best friend's advice. I asked him once about what was I supposed to do during my break up, when he started dating another girl yet we still kissed in the back seat like lovers that we were. And he said I need to stop, to give the two of us a breather. Even when it sucks to be dumped, but I need to see myself first. I need to rest from this long war. I've been fighting alone and I need to take a break. I need to see myself first.

As I've told you in my previous outfit post, I start loving dresses because they bring out the girly side of me. To balance out everything, I put on my sneakers instead of my usual platform shoes because nothing can go wrong when you pair dresses and sneakers, they're like match made in heaven. I'll be going back to Jogja next week, hopefully in a way better mood because I'm so bored with the city now. I can't wait to graduate and leave Jogja, to find a new story I can be proud of in another city.

'Til then, have a pleasant day! xx

July 22, 2017

500 days of...

I think I know how it feels to be Summer.

When she decided not to settle in a committed relationship with Tom yet she still treated him like he was her boyfriend, it is clear what kind of message the movie is trying to say.

She is used to see people who love each other destroy each other. And when I look around, it's not so different with how things go in real life. Because that happens to me too, sadly. I mean, I have a habit. I destroy the people I love for no reason, mostly because of my own anxiety. And God so help me to remind myself that self love is important before I start any relationship. My anxiety hypnotized me to treat people like they're about to leave me anytime soon. Which results in me pushing them away. I have dealt with this kind of feeling for years now, because people leave me, always. And it's saddening, knowing that I can't do anything about it. I can't see love as a magic word anymore. Like it's losing its meaning the moment I was left by my ex boyfriend for some girl. Whenever a man tries to hit me up, I can't bring myself to be excited or interested in them. It's weird, considering I'm an attention whore. And then I remember Summer Finn. The way she sees love is unique, and very realistic. Maybe that's why people hate her in the movie. Because it's too realistic.

But I know now, how it feels to be Summer.

And I think that's the best thing to feel for now.

July 15, 2017

Hold us together

 Nevada dress, unbranded bag, unbranded shoes

I'm sooo happy to be able to post proper outfit post again! :D It's been 17 billion ages since the last time I actually stood up in front of a wall, dressing up and setting timer on my DSLR and took head-to-toe photos. It feels good to be back on track! I'm still in Bekasi, enjoying every last bit of my soon going to an end holiday :( I'm in my final year now and expected to graduate around June next year omg. Time flies so fast! I can't believe three years ago I had just graduated from high school, doing placement tests etc to get into university, I was so thrilled to start experiencing one of the best phase of my life. And here I am now, trying (not so) hard not to run away from all my responsibilities.

Being in early 20s (I'm 21 now, remember?) means a lot to me. It's becoming a burden now that I still haven't figured out of what I'm going to do with my life later after I graduate. Which probably that's one of the biggest reason why I don't think graduating soon is a good choice. Almost all of my friends have at least one experience of working in the real law industry, and almost all of them too have participated in more than one law competition. Unlike me, who, apparently, gave all of my time just for my art group. I mean I can't lie that even after being a law student, I'm still an artist at heart. I like to perform, I like to create things, and it helps to ease my mind when university life is becoming a pain in the ass. Which happens most of the time :/ If they were to graduate soon, they already had long plan ahead of what they were going to do next. Again, unlike me, who probably will go 180 degree different from the rest of my friends. I keep telling myself that it's totally okay to go the other way where the place is not so crowded. Going different way is good, as long as I'm ready and quick to adapt because now I understand how fast life can be.

Updates on the love department; nothing has come up. I don't know if it's a bad thing or a good thing. It maybe both. My view on the word 'love' has totally changed the moment I read my friend's writings about it. That love is just a chemical reaction. And when I see it not being something that is uncontrollable by me, rather it's something science and of course can be controlled, falling in and out of love seems very ordinary. I don't know what's the fuss is all about and we need to stop making love as an issue although I admit that it's one of the biggest emotion that often drives our artistic part. Because I myself, write poem and other stories based on my view on love. But in real life, it's getting too overrated that I'm getting sick of everyone talking about love and love and love. It only takes one bad, nasty break up to get me traumatized of being in a relationship because everything can go wrong in building a relationship. Despite being madly in love now (and he doesn't even know it yet), I really don't force myself to be with him. Or find a way to make us together. A friend of mine asked me the reason why I don't chase him like a hungry hyena. It's simply because I don't have to date him to tell him that I love him and care for him. Right? If I really loved him, I would let him grow, be there for him when he needed me, cheered for him during his best moments, and be sad over his failures and loss. I have learned to emphasize myself in my own life, to stop giving room for other people to be in charge of my own happiness. And as a friendly note, you should do this too! It will give your life a whole lot better meaning! :)

So before we part, let's talk about this outfit! I used to hate going somewhere in skirts because somehow I feel like it's not liberating me from my excessive movements; like running and jumping around because I love to chase my friends jokingly. And I used to label myself as this tomboy girl who would swallow poison before I put those dresses and skirt on! >:( But as the years gone by, I grow up and explore new style. I fall in and out of fashion trends, and find my own signature style, the style that makes me comfortable and boosts my confidence. Surprisingly enough, dresses and skirts are one of my signature style ensemble! :D Nowadays I feel so nice walking in one, dressed up in one. I guess that's the magic of clothing, when I wear pants, I feel free. When I wear skirts, I feel pretty! It's not something that's better than the other kind of style, just something that now I can go with without that grudge feeling lmao. Also if you haven't really noticed, I'm wearing a super short shorts too and it's visible here. That's why I love this dress so much! It's combining two of a different style. Sadly such clothing can't be worn around campus because who allows their student to show off that much skin anyway???

Here's a little song for you to enjoy before I close the post. WILD - Hold Us Together ;)

Mug talk

If you haven't noticed from my Instagram; yes, I do collect mugs. Just normal, cute mugs with minimalist design and a little typography here and there. My first mug is the one in the middle, that says 'better late than ugly'. I found it funny and true at the same time, and decided to take it home right away. After that, I become more and more interested in buying new mugs everytime I visit ACE Hardware. Sadly, they don't really sell a lot of varieties of mugs :/ I don't know where to hunt down cute mugs here in Bekasi or Jogja so if any of you guys know where to get them, let me know! c:

July 11, 2017

July playlist

So I decided to make this kind of post every time we enter a new month. That would encourage me to make at least new post every month, right? I like discovering new songs or old songs that I just know by now. And I like it even more when I find that a lot of people are actually listening to them too! So here goes my July playlist (in no particular order):

I make new playlist every month to show this off on Spotify. So check out my profile and follow me! Also please don't mind my totally bare face because I wasn't in the mood to put any make-up on since I wasn't going anywhere and yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's totally okay not to put that much effort for a single picture for your blog post lol. But anyway, just take it as my lame excuse to not look decent here. Adios!