November 20, 2016

See you in another universe


Entah sudah berapa kali kusebut namamu dalam doaku. Aku memang bukan pengikut-Nya yang setia. Saat masih bersama denganmu pun aku tak pernah bertandang ke rumahnya. Padahal jauh di dalam lubuk hati aku begitu merindukan pelukanNya, merindukan caraNya untuk mengetuk pintu hatiku pulang ke bawah naungannya. Dan mungkin inilah jalan yang Ia tunjuk. Lalu tiba-tiba semua ini terasa tak sesulit itu untuk dijalani. Sebab aku percaya, memang ini cara yang Ia pilih untuk menyelamatkanku dari apa yang tidak bisa kuselamatkan.

Ketika minggu terasa seperti tahun, dan semua harus kujalani dengan kepayahan, aku selalu melihat ke tangan kananku. Tempat di mana pertama kalinya kurasakan kehadiranmu dalam hidupku berawal dari tangan kanan yang selalu kau rengkuh ketika kau melihat aku hendak terjatuh. Kau genggam onggokan daging itu dan memberiku keyakinan dan kekuatan bahwa kau akan terus ada untukku.

Namun kali ini kau tidak ada di sana untuk menyelamatkanku dari lubang tanpa dasar.

Aku takut, sayang.
Aku takut aku takkan pernah bangkit lagi.
Aku takut pada akhirnya aku akan berakhir seperti aku yang dulu, yang tidak pernah bisa melihat positivitas dari apa yang terjadi di hidup ini.
Aku takut kehilangan diriku sendiri. Sebab ia berada dalam genggamanmu.

Seakan-akan hidup enggan untuk melihatku bahagia. Seakan-akan aku tidak boleh merasakan kebahagiaan yang kini terlihat seperti barang mewah bagiku.

Kuberikan berjuta kali kesempatan untukmu untuk perbaiki segalanya. Selalu dan selalu.
Namun selalu dan selalu pula, kau tak berikan kesempatan untukku memperbaiki kita.

Sudah hilangkah 'kita' dari hatimu? Sesak rasanya ketika aku sadar, apapun yang kulakukan, Ia takkan pernah bisa mengembalikanmu dalam rengkuhanku. Kau menjadi sesuatu yang mustahil untuk tanganku raih. Dari cerita menjadi angan-angan. Kini aku hanya bisa mencintaimu dalam diam, dalam mimpi, dalam kepayahan.

Entah sudah berapa kali kusebut namamu dalam doaku. Yang jelas sudah tak terhitung.

Tapi mungkin Ia begitu merindukanku hingga belum saatnya Ia berikan apa yang kumau. Karena mungkin aku akan meninggalkanNya lagi ketika kau kembali.

Terima kasih sudah mau mengajarkan bahwa aku tak layak untuk kau cintai.
Pada akhirnya di manapun hatimu berlabuh, kuharap ia berlabuh pada yang pantas kau cintai dengan seluruh degup nadi kehidupanmu.
Bahkan jika orang itu bukanlah aku.
Pada akhirnya salah satu dari kita harus mengalah.

Sampai jumpa lagi di kehidupan lain, di mana kau dan aku berakhir bersama.

November 14, 2016

This isn't a love letter



Life never stops giving you surprises.

First of all, I don't usually write this off on the internet especially if it's a bad news. But anyway, I don't really like talking to people about my problem 'directly' because they don't listen to me. They tend to talk back and give me advice instead which I don't really need because at this time... being listened to is all I need.

I'm sorry, for letting you know.

The past few days have been... tough. I get tired. And the worse part is, nothing I can do can take it away. I sleep with a frown plastered on my forehead, and wake up the next morning with an empty feeling. But life awaits me so I just put a smile and pretend as if nothing bad happens to me. When in fact, I'm not okay at all. But you know, it's better to keep everything to yourself rather than telling people about your problem and explaining to them the one thing that hurts you the most. And that's what I do. I keep it myself. But at least now I'm writing about it here so it should count that I do talk to people. Just not directly.

Things went ugly between me and my boyfriend. And...

My god, I didn't know how to explain it...

It's as if all those broken heart stories I've written for my fictions suddenly come true. And it all happens to me, to us. Even until now, I'm still hoping that this is just a bad dream, and I'd wake up and call him and he'd still be laughing on the other line of the phone, throwing something like "What are you talking about?", "Ssshh, there's no way we would break up", and I'd cry and smiled because he was still there. He was still with me.

Relationship is a story shared between two people. And I'm just so pissed off when my partner takes all the decision himself without even concerned about what I should say. And suddenly reality is not that beautiful anymore because what's worse than having someone you thought would stay for you suddenly telling that you're just not good enough for him? It hurts me, knowing that I have failed my first relationship with the same old reason all my crushes told me years ago. It pisses me off that no matter what I do, people still leave me. And it pains me knowing that those people always end up being what they said they'd never be...

I wish I could say this to him, but he'd get mad and hate me even more.

Again and again... I get chained from saying out loud what I feel. Just because they think what I say will never change their mind, but sometimes, I have to get my point across.

Please choose someone else to hurt. Don't choose me.

I'm just a girl, who will never leave anyone's side. Because I've been left out by many people. Because I know how it feels to be not good enough for someone else, to be disappointed by empty promises. But most of the problem is, when they ask me to change for the better, they never stay long enough to see how much I've changed. I don't mind being told what to do. After all, we all have to be better.

Communication.

You told me to speak more, to never stay silent. But I always get yelled at for opening my mouth. I thought when one of us had a problem with something, we'd talk it out. But why... why did you take all the decision yourself..?

Life will never stops giving you surprises.

It's sad to know there's nothing I can do to make him stay.

Even when we 'loved' each other, it's even worse knowing his love couldn't keep him on the ground with me. Words are just words. He said one thing and the next day he scrapped it out of his dictionary.

"I'd never leave you unless you ask for it."
"We'll figure it out together."
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Why would I leave you?"
"I know you. I've learned about you from your previous love encounter. I was there, remember? And I know I can handle you."
"I can never ask for more than this. You're more than enough."

.....

"I need some time alone."

.....

Only prayers can save us. That's one thing for sure.
But I'll wait. I'll wait for you.
Just so you know, there are people like me.
There are people who will stick true to their words.
There are people who mean what they say.
Because I want you in my life.
I'm planning so.
...remember...?

I told you from the beginning I'm such a mess. And the only thing I'm good at is that I'll never leave your side. Other than that, I will yell at you, probably make you regret your choice of partner, and destroy you. Because that's what I do.

I destroy the people I love.

This isn't a love letter.
This isn't my way of winning you back.
This is my way of surviving.

October 25, 2016

Kopi Ketjil


Some of you guys have probably known that I love coffee. I really love coffee to the point that my brain hardly works best without consuming a cup of coffee beforehand. Although I was warned by my doctor not to consume caffeine anymore because of my health, I just can't hold myself not to drink coffee :( Sometimes it's hard when you're too used drinking it before you start everything and all of a sudden you have to stop. It's like a personal drug to me.

Wait, did I just say Edward Cullen's line?

Anyway, I love coffee, and that's the end of story. But I feel ashamed because I don't know much about coffee despite holding high that title proudly that I'm a coffee junkie. I don't really like coffee that are sold at modern coffee shop like Starbucks even when my body can only tolerate so much with strong ones like espresso (God forbid I ever drink that 'poison'). I usually drink coffee with milk, such as latte, cappuccino, or cafe mocha. The combination is friendly enough for me to take and thus they're like the only product of coffee I always order in a coffee shop. But yesterday when I visited one of my friend's coffee shop called Kopi Ketjil with two of my friends from the art group, I had the chance to witness how original coffee is made. It's fun to watch! Those little coffee brewer and silver machine picks my interest and soon I wish I could have a part time job as a barista just like my friend here :D Although boyfie said I was better off the kitchen but I love to try new things. The place and the ambiance itself was very soothing and calming, not much chattering and for a coffee lover like me, this is a nice place for you to escape for your routines for a moment. Here are some photos I managed to snap at the coffee shop. The place isn't too spacious and it can probably fit for less than 10 people inside but still, definitely an Instagram-worthy place to visit :p Enjoy!


It was a very fun visit and I'm looking forward to explore more places like this! :D Thank you for reading and I hope you guys have a nice day, yay! Bisous chaton!

October 24, 2016

Watch out, they're tricky!


Last week my father visited me and my brother here in Jogja. He wanted to spend the weekend with us eating and going places. And of course, it was one chance where my boyfriend finally met my father, hihi. But anyway, I'm gonna share you my recent trip with my father and brother to The Mata 3D Trick Eye Museum located at XT Square. I've never been here with my friends or boyfriend alone because the entry fee is so... expensive. I spent IDR 120k to get free pass for three places, Trick Eye Museum 1 & 2, and The Arca. You can of course choose which one you want to get but it's much cheaper to get the three altogether than buying it one by one. Since it was a rare occasion where my dad had the chance to visit us, so we opted to get the three places. Here are some photos we snapped at Trick Eye Museum 1 and 2. Enjoy!


I tell you guys I had sooo much fun taking photos at this museum! Too bad I didn't charge my camera so the battery ran out faster, thus why there are no photos of us at The Arca. I wish to come back here again anytime soon but it's way too expensive lmao xD Thank you for reading, and see you when I see you!

October 19, 2016

Sandy toes


Good evening, people! It's 9.13 PM here now and I just finished my paper that's due tomorrow. As usual, I would turn my laptop on, open the document file, stare at it for a brief few minutes before I open my browser and start scrolling through tumblr or reading blogs, ha! Uni life has been really, really busy. I have to manage my time very well to make sure I catch up on everything. I barely have enough time to check up on the blog and see updates from my daily reads. This post itself has been lying in my draft for a few weeks now and I never had the time to actually finish writing about it. I'm getting tired of writing the same excuse over and over again everytime I'm about to post something on the blog. But I hope you guys will understand that my life is really that busy >,< Whether I'm busy doing things with my art group, travelling here and there with my friends, or I'm too backed up with exams and tasks that are piling up every week. This is a very late post about my last trip with my friends to Gumuk Pasir Parangkusumo. It's exactly next to Parangtritis Beach and such a weird thing that I've went to Parangtritis a lot of time yet I've never been to Gumuk Pasir. I've seen interesting photos from people on Instagram spending their time there, so you can imagine how excited I was to finally be able to visit it! Even though at first we thought we wouldn't be able to have fun because the weather wasn't very friendly, it was raining lightly on the way to Gumuk Pasir. But still, we took a lot of pictures there. Too bad we didn't manage to try the sandboarding, it would be totally fun!



Thank you for reading and see you guys on the next post! xo