Hi everyone! How you doin'?

Today I'm feeling extremely grateful. I'm sorry for my last post, it's such a bad way to start the year, isn't it? Oh well, today I'll be giving you a little update of what has been going on with my life while I'm away from the blog! As I told you in my previous post, I've been very busy running my beauty account on Instagram called @beautywithdummy. As someone who is very new to make-up and skincare, making a beauty account seems to be a little weird at first. But now that I'm starting to get a grip of what it's all about, I feel sooo energized. I never knew Indonesian beauty community was so much fun and kind!

I don't have a lot of money to spare for my beauty needs, I have to save up quite a lot, that's why I love joining giveaways. And I will forever be grateful of my decision of making a beauty account because it brings me good fortune. Shown here are the giveaways that I've won, not to mention the three SOCOBOX that I've got so far, and many other goodies from different brands. I feel so grateful for everything in life.

It's been such an incredible journey. I never knew I would be this interested in beauty industry because everyone who knows me in real life knows that I'm far from being a woman. But I want to keep surprising people, to live my best life.

I hope wherever you are, whoever you are, never forget to feel grateful of what you've accomplished.

Love, Dyn 💙

So I just got back from hanging out with my friends and yes, I'm still ill. I've been suffering from cold for two weeks now and I'm getting tired with being ill. Of course, who wants to suffer from illness though? But the time my health started dropping, was also the time where I was the busiest. If you're following me on Instagram, you must have known that I'm one of the staffs for my art group's last theater performance as the event's photographer, like always. Which is one of the biggest reason why I haven't blogged again. I do have a few blog ideas; like going to Artjog to make just another annual review like I always do, set another OOTD posts, share my favorite hang out spots (I remember I have this 'secret' place that my boyfriend found a while ago and I still haven't had the time to take photos there), and even post another series of #beautywithdummy that you can search the hashtag on Instagram :p Anyway, the reason why I'm posting this photo of me sitting on the stage after the even had just ended is because it's the only decent photo I have these days. And after a while I learn that I don't really like writing about my activities in my art group on the blog. It's not that much fun to write, and people don't seem to be interested in reading about it too. I literally have nothing to talk but I just want to let you guys know that I'm coming up with a few ideas. Okay, that's not entirely true. I actually just want to write something deep and personal here because I'm having another battle with past mistakes that recently resurfaced and I don't know where to go or who to talk to because that's-just-who-I-am teehee. I don't like talking to people in general. Or maybe I just don't like being seen as a melancholic or weak-ass girl who keeps dwelling on her past. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently and ended up stressing out because of it.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm really loving my ColorPop No Filter concealer that I'm using in the photo. It lasts the entire event eventhough I was sweating like a pig and my hands kept wiping my forehead and the bridge of my nose because of the excessive sweat. But they're magically still in place! Even the concealer still covered my dark under-eyes after hours running here and there taking pictures of the performance :") I think I'm going to make a review about it soon, what do you think? Oh and I also need to step up my brow game. I don't think I can last in the long run with brow pencil only no matter how much I love using only brow pencil to shape my brow. I'm thinking about buying a brow powder or brow pomade. My eyes were very thin that day, as thin as a line because I was both ill and exhausted. But being ill is never an excuse to not look decent on such important event, no? ;)

Oh well, I guess that's it for now. It's 2:57 AM and I need to rest.

I didn't get to write as much as usual because I went on a community service program from my university for 45 days in Gunung Kidul last December. And there was no chance for me make a blog post during that time because there was no internet connection at all. I spent my new year there with my colleague and we got to witness all these fireworks at the beach. Quite a pleasant view that I'd rather enjoy with my boyfriend but hey, a duty is a duty. I didn't make any new year resolution because I always set the same goal every year; to be happy and content with what I already have. I always live a greedy life and I've grown unhappy over time. I get tired and I wish I weren't this competitive with myself. And although it's the same old goal for me every year, it's also something that I have miserably failed to achieve.

I'm now entering the last semester of my study but I'm pretty sure I still need to extend for a year to finish my thesis so I still have to spend another boring year in Jogja. There I said it, this city is getting boring. There's nothing left for me in this city that I can enjoy because I've seen some of my friends graduating one bye one and it gets me really hard. Aside the fact that I miss my parents, I also need to prepare for my own career in the future, getting jobs and helping out my parents. I'll be 22 this April and that means it's only 3 years away until I'm 25 and I remember I told myself I want to get married by the age of 25 lol. Why does time fly so fast?

I also applied for a workshop held by the British Council that took place in Edinburgh. I really wish I could make it through the online selection, I really need the chance. I doubt myself, but at least I still give myself a boost of confidence to submit the entry.

I lost my camera's memory card. That's like the saddest thing ever happened to me because it contains all of my community service program's documentation. Photos, videos, everything! And I lost it all of a sudden, I don't even know any possibilities of places I could've lost it. Thankfully I stored some of the photos on my LINE's album. These firework photos included. Anyway, how do you like them? They're so beautiful, right? I like taking photos of firework. They're so beautiful.

I decided to change my blog's title and some of its buttons because I'm bored with minimalism. When I looked at my blog few days ago, I realized I needed more colors than just black and white and grey. And then I went to Color Lover and browsed for rainbow palette and found one. I like how everything turns out because it's so cute and lively now. I chose the word 'Matari' which means 'the sun' in sanskrit language. I have developed a special connection with that name. And so I thought I had to put 'lucid dreams' to rest and change her into something much more refreshing and fun. So... yeah. I think that's pretty much it. This is just a random post before I start posting about my super late trip with my boyfriend to Ullen Sentalu, The Lost World, and another in depth cafe review of Cafe Brick that I've promised you before.

I would like to say sorry from the deepest of my heart, for not seeing you all those years ago. I should've known—my god I should—that you would be perfect for me. Okay, I know that sounds exaggerating, but I've never been this happier in my life of meeting the love of my life. I know it's so cringeworthy, but I'm in love and I always will be so bear with me, you will have to get used to me being cheesy 24/7 to you.

I know I've hurt you so bad in the past. I've rejected you, ditched you, mocked you, I didn't even look at you when I was your only world. And I should have known that your feelings were genuine. Because if I could turn back time, I'd tell my old self to just take you in.

"This man will make you happy. So happy that you will not question anything."

With you, I feel so enough. I don't even feel like anything in me has changed. Everything is just like how it's supposed to be, only better. You always shower me with the much needed affection, but you never forget to let me walk by myself in rough times. It's like as if we're growing together.

Thank you for the second chance. I will not waste it away.

-kurangdaritiga-

I've been trying to write this post down for the last couple of hours and I still can't come up with anything that satisfies my feelings. But here I am, giving it a go for the nth time just because I don't know what else I can do to release this void that's starting to eat me alive from the inside.

The last couple of days have been a complete hell for me.

I'm not a person who's good at hiding my true feelings, so this will come off as a blunt confession. But I doubt anyone will ever read this blog anyway so I've got nothing to lose. I've spent the last one year trying to move on from my ex. Because despite everything, it seemed like I hadn't really been able to let go of my old memories with him. And it was strangling me, choking me to death until I became breathless. I'm a masochist. I like to hurt myself emotionally because I thought the pain will only make me stronger if I could get used to it. But I've been in pain for a year and still I'm not getting any better. So I cry, to release the pain, because it's too much to hold on. And there would be this guy who would wipe away all my tears without me asking, because he says he hates it to see me cry for some ungrateful boys.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I believe in karma; of what goes around, comes around. What I don't know, is how we're all gonna get it. Because you don't see it coming, you just know when it finally does. And in my case, karma hit me right in the face. The guy had liked me back in the days during our first year. But not even once I turned my head on him, because I had no feelings for him, no matter how hard I tried to love him with all my might. The feelings were just... not there. And so I came across many boys but still he had his eyes fixated on me for all year long. But I just couldn't force myself.

Fast forward to now, we swap place. I'm slowly falling for him when he's falling for another girl. And this is karma at its best. Because I understand now how it feels to be him back then. To crave attention from the person you love who doesn't love you back, who instead, gives the attention to another person who doesn't need it. And it hurts, it hurts so bad. It hurts me even more because I know even the fact that he used to love me doesn't mean that he's going to love me again the second time after I ditched him in the past. But this feeling is real, and I'm not bluffing.

But tonight I realized, I lost my moon while I'm busy chasing the dimly lit stars.

He has always been my moon, he would light up my way when it gets dark, when it gets cold and I can't find a way out. He never changes a shade. He has always been like that, a bit bumpy in the outside and pale. Far, but close enough to watch over me. Beautiful in every shape of its phase. Caring and loving and has always been true to himself. He's not afraid to show that he's the moon.

What started off as a simple mission; he has to be happy, turns to be a lifetime promise that I want to keep him happy for as long as I can. To get him what he wants and what he needs. Even when I can't be a part of his happiness, because he no longer chooses me.

But that's okay.

Because afterall, I deserve this.

I just hope that one day he will find the right woman to help him shine even brighter that the universe would be jealous of.

Oh she goes beyond your expectation? Good, good. Please don't let her go. Post her more, showcase her more. Praise her more. It will do you good. I'm too used feeling this way to even cracked open again. But I hope you're great. So great that I don't need to look for you every once in a while.

I'm sorry I didn't say anything on your birthday. Because I was so scared I would lose you again after knowing what she gave to you. Of course that shouldn't matter. I tried to involve everyone who loves you into your gift while she kept it nice and private and gave you exactly what you want. I just made things because I had no money to buy you that board game that costs me two weeks of my living cost. But hey, at least my gift was made by my own hands pure from the heart. But you didn't post it on your social media and confide it and so, up until today I think you hate it and find it ugly.

You like her in short hair. You used to plead me not to cut my hair even for an inch. Because you like it long so you can play with them. But that's okay maybe that's so you won't ever have to remember the pain you gave to me while looking at her.

Yeah, I do still have feelings for you. Not sure what feelings tho. Hatred? Anger? Jealousy? Disappointment? Or love? I have no idea. And I still like to touch the wounds whenever it tries to close up. Like what I did this morning when I checked your and her Instagram account out of the blue and saw everything I didn't really want to see, but well, it was as expected. My heart has stopped breaking because you can't break something that's already broken, right?

I hope you're doing great.

I hope you're happy.

I hope she's grateful.

I hope she's the one.

I hope you guys make it until the end.

In order to let go, I have to admit that I'm unhappy. Then I have to admit the reason why. And understand that I have to accept and let go. No more lying.

But I'm sorry that we still can't be friends. It's not that I haven't accepted you wholeheartedly, or I don't want to. But Sade's right; I can't force being friends with someone like you. If I were friends with you again, I would accept you as you are. And the more I accepted you, the more I wanted more. So I'm sorry that I still can't talk to you. Though I would love to play that board game you like so much hehe. You must be frickin happy to have her, since she goes beyond your expectation. While I was just like what you expected me.

Again, Sade's right. You forced the break up and closed the door when things were still unsettled. It was done for you, but not for me. And relationship is all about two people, so you can't expect things to be okay when you make decision for one. It's even worse when you just waltzed out of my life with another woman just like that and refused to settle things down until I'm satisfied with the situation. But if that's how you live, then I'm bound to feel this way.

I wish I can find my own happiness soon. Just like you did.

Even though a part of me says I still want you to be my happiness.

But we can still have our happily ever after ending, separately.

When it comes to choosing a partner aka boyfriend, I get very picky. Why, you ask? Of course, with physical appearance that's not so far above the average, and personality that isn't as bright as everyone else, it sounds like a joke when I get very picky. But believe it or not, maybe that's what I need. I need to be picky, because I know myself well. Because I know I'm hard to handle, and I'm still in the process of becoming better, so I can't be with just anyone. I'm afraid that if I let everyone in just like that, it will ruin the process. It will change me into someone with a personality that is worse than I already am. I'm not saying that I don't want to fall--in fact, I need to fall first to know the taste of rising back up. But I'm choosing carefully what kind of person I would fall for, to make sure I get the lesson I need.

It comes to my mind that it's totally okay to be picky. Especially when you have goals to reach, people to impress, or friends or family to take care of. Love can come second even when you're not looking for it. Which is why now I'm really content of being single. Unlike my ex who already has a new girlfriend in just a short time, I find being single as a breather for me. After a year of being attached to someone, I realized that I've lost so many things and I need to catch up real soon. That feeling when I apply my make-up so I'll look good when I go to classes, raising my sex appeal to make myself more attractive, be active by taking more jobs at events, hanging out with friends who are not in my circle, etc. After all, being single doesn't mean that I'm gonna be lonely. I would rather be single than be in a relationship where my partner can't even match my effort because he's too lazy to do that. I wasn't even asking him to go beyond me, but he couldn't do that.

It still haunts me every night when I'm alone and lost in my own thoughts. But each day passes, I learn to swim through it instead of drowning. And without I realize, I have taught myself how to be strong on my own. And God, it feels good, to finally wake up and not having to feel empty or sad. Sometimes I still miss the feeling of being loved, and maybe all this time, for the last three months of me trying to win him back, it wasn't him whom I missed. It was the feeling. I have found many new hearts in my time being single again and it sets my soul free knowing that I'm not attached to anyone. Relationships are messy and people get hurt. Now I wonder why would anyone be in a relationship?

This is going to be my nth attempt on writing full from the heart about what's currently happening in my life right now. As I said in my previous post, I want to get back to writing again. I know I keep saying that the moment I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost my muse, and that I have to find a new muse to write again. I change my mind. I have always been my own muse. I write for myself and I write because writing makes me feel at home. Losing someone from my life shouldn't be a problem at all because what's meant for me will always find a way back. So here I am, writing again. This time, for myself.

After the break up, I felt like I was on a journey to find myself back. That sounds weird ass f but it's the truth. I didn't know what I want, and I thought he was all I need. He wasn't. Three months I tried to win him back, and it always ended up with nothingness. Until I grew sick of his little game and last week I decided to drop everything and move on. I always knew him and I would clash. Even from the beginning, we were so unexpected. None of our friends had expected us to be together. Because how could we??? We're fire and water and even though there are things that we share as something in common, we're still worlds apart. And like fire and water that we are, one of us always dominates the other. In this case, me. And really, I can take it if he broke up with me because I was too much for him and that he couldn't handle me. I thought that's all there is to our break up. But then a week afterwards, all of my friends, and literally everyone started telling me the truth of what was actually happening. He was seeing other girl even before the break up. Which tore me into pieces because how could he? Was I too much or was I not good enough? For the last three months, he kept pulling on my heart string, and I would ask him over time why would he do that. The answer is always the same; "Because I still want to see you happy". Which sounds like the stupidest joke ever because he knows exactly that if he does all those things, he'll get my hopes high and I won't be able to move on. And it makes me realize that, Eri is not the kind of guy who would do something for other people purely just to make them happy. No, he's not that guy. I was gonna give him an ultimatum, either he gets closer or stay away. Because having him in between is very exhausting. And I don't deserve being treated as a spare, let alone as a second choice. I deserve someone who will always choose me as I choose him back. And if he doesn't want to be that guy, then I'm wasting my time fighting for someone who can't even get his shit together.

So now I'm 'deleting' him from my life. And honestly, I've never felt so great before. It's the best feeling ever the moment I remove toxic people from my life and get on with it. I decided to remove our chat so I can't go back re-reading the chat history, and I also unfollow him on most of my social media. I start falling for other people again, and since I'm not attached to anyone, I can invest as much feelings as I want without having to worry about labels and commitment because right now, I want to have fun. Everyone says they miss my cheerfulness. So I'm bringing back that side of me again because I miss her too, I take more jobs, get involved with more events and activities, build more connection with people outside my circle, pay more attention in class, and... laugh more religiously. I barely think about him even in my busiest and loneliest hours and that's a good sign! I don't have the urge to constantly wanting to know what he's up to like how I used to because I'm too overwhelmed with life ahead of me.

I'm so excited with everything. It's always good to start a new beginning, like a newborn baby who knows nothing about the world. Because happiness is a choice. And whatever you are going through right now, I hope you always choose happiness.

I'm so glad to be able to write something up again after so many months. Heart break is not easy, but I've found my closure and I'm glad losing him isn't really a big loss for me afterall. Well, actually, he lost me. And I hope it's gonna ache him years from now, when I'm already with this new person who realizes my worth and takes care of me in ways he wishes he could have done all those time ago. So, see you guys on the next post! xx

Last August 31st, me and boyfriend went to Lokal to celebrate our first anniversary by having a simple dinner. Why Lokal, you ask? Pretty much because it's the first place where me and boyfriend finally acknowledge that we were heading somewhere, to be something more than just 'friend'. Looking back to the first time I got into university, I quickly collect several unique stories with some boys here. From unrequited love, to instantly being given false hopes by the others. Honestly for me to be in this step is such an amazing achievement. I'm never really good in maintaining a balance social relationship either with friends or lover. Because I ditch people and push them away because I don't know what I want sometimes. And yet here I am celebrating my mini anniversary with someone who has successfully coped up with my madness and all the tantrums I've thrown. I hope I get to celebrate another anniversaries with him in the future. Can't really imagine myself with another man other than with this lump of devilish fat c:

This post will be filled with many food pictures! Scroll at your own risk! :p

I finally tried the tomato soup and boy was it good... It was sooo damn good! It was a bit rainy when we had dinner there so a warm sour tomato soup was the best option for you to feel better! I can't wait to go back here again on a rainy day and I will definitely order this along with their hot chocolate, yum! *drolls*

 My all time favorite dori fish teriyaki!

One year is not a short time. We went through many fights and disagreements. We even almost had it on the edge that I felt like breaking up with him was the best decision ever. But I couldn't just give up. Like, this is not how I get through the obstacles. Nobody said being in a relationship was easy, and it's definitely not for the weak. So if I want to survive until the D-day where I get to marry this man, I should never give up on him. Not even the slightest chance. Afterall, if we ever broke up, I'd be terribly sad because I wouldn't have any eating or travelling companion anymore!

Bisous chaton! xx

Oh my, reading back to my recent posts, every time I get back writing here, I always make excuses. Because whatnot, life is busy and complicated as it is. So, my excuse this time is... holiday makes me forget that I actually have a blog. LMAO. Okay you can laugh at me for that but that's the honest truth. I arrived here in my home town nearly a two weeks ago because I'm currently having the long semester break and it's in the middle of fasting month so I always spend half of my day sleeping, waiting until dawn. The wifi at my house is also a pain in the ass because sometimes it doesn't want to connect so after three days of throwing tantrum to everyone in the house, I gave up and didn't even bother checking whether it has been repaired or not. BUT IT HAS. Or else I won't be up here writing this post lol.

Anyway, how's your life going, guys? Me? I just cut my hair, as usual every time I have the chance to go back home I will always make an appointment to my hair stylist because back in Jogja I never, ever cut my hair. I don't trust them. And I manage to improve my GPA this semester. God it feels good. But I don't think my parents think it's good enough so I don't really wanna celebrate that haha.

LDR sucks. Even if it's just for one and a half month but still. I'm not made out of patience. There's a reason why I was single for 19 years.

I miss Jogja's cafe and foods. I'm currently working on two projects here which I will reveal later on my next post, hopefully. I miss cafe hopping with my boyfriend :( But anyway, I'm just gonna enjoy my time here because going back home means new clothes and shoes and not having to think of what I'm gonna eat today (or am I not gonna eat anything).

Oh, that's a long rant. I'm gonna write more, I promise. But only if I have something to talk about hahaha. Until then, see you when I see you!