I can't really remember when was the first time I fell in love with the world of photography. It just struck me one day that I love to take photos and experiment with a lot of perspective to create my very own version of beauty. With each photo that I take, one after the other, I grow along. I learn bit by bit what kind of style suits me best, what's my aesthetic, and how I develop feelings from my photographs. I used to think that to produce amazing photos, I gotta have the most high end camera. Until I realize that I can create beauties even with a simple phone camera. Your camera doesn't define the quality of the photos you take. It's you. It's the emotion that flows through you when you take photos, translated implicitly in the angle, the object, the brightness. It's the way you see the world from behind the lens to create your very own version of reality so others can see it too. I have seen countless people treating DSLR and mirrorless cameras like they're just point and shoot cameras. Now that I've tasted the world of film photography after years playing with DSLR, I can confidently say that it's really a matter of preference. Neither one of them is more superior than the other. Just because it takes more effort, money, and money to develop photos from film rolls doesn't make film photography is more valuable than digital photography. Like I said, it's not the gear, not the camera, not the equipment; it's you.

My first camera was a digital pocket camera. It has 22x zoom and white in color. The depth of field that it created wasn't so bad, but I had to work through it since it was an automatic lens. And then I fell in love with DSLR cameras, because of its manual setting in getting depth of field of your desire. And so I got myself a Canon 600D and went mad over its abillity in shooting pictures. I have always been the digital girl in the camera industry. Who can resist its versatility and customization they offer?

But then I saw my boyfriend, who apparently, not going the same direction as me in photography. Unlike me, he prefers film photography. He might not be the best photographer out there, but something about his film rolls are so enchanting. It has low light, grainy, has greenish and blusih tone in most photos, depth of field is not as strong as mine, etc. And yet... his photos make my heart flutters more than my own photos that are created by DSLR. He kinda challenged me to start snapping photos in film, using one of his camera. I was so giddy, even though it was just a point and shoot camera, but the rush of excitement that runs through my mind knowing that none of us knew how the result would be yet it didn't stop us to keep taking photos. Being used to using DSLR, I focus on the composition of the photo that I take. If I don't like it, I delete it and retake another one. But with films, I learn the mechanics of the camera itself. Because films can get over or underexposed if I set the light meter wrong, or if I shoot in low light surrounding with wrong ISO. Doesn't that sound fun?

So yeah, this is my first ever roll of film that I took using analog camera. I used to have one as well but I threw it away once I got a digital camera. Who knows that film photography would be a thing in the future eh? I really love the excitement of waiting your film to be printed because it really takes a while to see the result. It's the kind of feeling that I don't get with DSLR cameras, and definitely the kind of feeling that will reel me back to film photography. I'm sorry if my photos look weird lol. My composition still sucks. But this camera is so fun to shoot with since you can shoot in two different dimension which means two different moods.

PS: Photos are taken by me. Photos that have me in it, taken by boyfriend!

I would like to say sorry from the deepest of my heart, for not seeing you all those years ago. I should've known—my god I should—that you would be perfect for me. Okay, I know that sounds exaggerating, but I've never been this happier in my life of meeting the love of my life. I know it's so cringeworthy, but I'm in love and I always will be so bear with me, you will have to get used to me being cheesy 24/7 to you.

I know I've hurt you so bad in the past. I've rejected you, ditched you, mocked you, I didn't even look at you when I was your only world. And I should have known that your feelings were genuine. Because if I could turn back time, I'd tell my old self to just take you in.

"This man will make you happy. So happy that you will not question anything."

With you, I feel so enough. I don't even feel like anything in me has changed. Everything is just like how it's supposed to be, only better. You always shower me with the much needed affection, but you never forget to let me walk by myself in rough times. It's like as if we're growing together.

Thank you for the second chance. I will not waste it away.

-kurangdaritiga-

Okay so I know it's super late to write about this now because it's October! The real event took place two months ago! I've had it drafted for a very long time but you know, the down side of actually having a blog is not about the photos, but the writing part. It's hard to find the time for me to just sit down and start typing because university life always takes so much of my time. Not to mention how I'm back in a relationship again now (haha for that!) so majority of my time goes to le boyfriend.

I decided to watch Prambanan Jazz 2017 with my friends on day 3 only. I was chasing after Kahitna, Yovie & Nuno, Tompi, and Glenn Fredly. It's always fun to go to a music festival because you get to sing with the musicians, with your friends, and when they say music unites us all, it's true. It was a record for me to stand 12 hours straight without rest at all. The place was packed with human so I couldn't find a place to sit down and rest my feet. Although I couldn't feel my feet afterwards, I was so happy I could finally see all the musicians I've been in love with for years now. My parents love them too, so it's only natural for me to like them as well. Especially Kahitna and Yovie & Nuno, they accompany my childhood memories.

I've been trying to write this post down for the last couple of hours and I still can't come up with anything that satisfies my feelings. But here I am, giving it a go for the nth time just because I don't know what else I can do to release this void that's starting to eat me alive from the inside.

The last couple of days have been a complete hell for me.

I'm not a person who's good at hiding my true feelings, so this will come off as a blunt confession. But I doubt anyone will ever read this blog anyway so I've got nothing to lose. I've spent the last one year trying to move on from my ex. Because despite everything, it seemed like I hadn't really been able to let go of my old memories with him. And it was strangling me, choking me to death until I became breathless. I'm a masochist. I like to hurt myself emotionally because I thought the pain will only make me stronger if I could get used to it. But I've been in pain for a year and still I'm not getting any better. So I cry, to release the pain, because it's too much to hold on. And there would be this guy who would wipe away all my tears without me asking, because he says he hates it to see me cry for some ungrateful boys.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I believe in karma; of what goes around, comes around. What I don't know, is how we're all gonna get it. Because you don't see it coming, you just know when it finally does. And in my case, karma hit me right in the face. The guy had liked me back in the days during our first year. But not even once I turned my head on him, because I had no feelings for him, no matter how hard I tried to love him with all my might. The feelings were just... not there. And so I came across many boys but still he had his eyes fixated on me for all year long. But I just couldn't force myself.

Fast forward to now, we swap place. I'm slowly falling for him when he's falling for another girl. And this is karma at its best. Because I understand now how it feels to be him back then. To crave attention from the person you love who doesn't love you back, who instead, gives the attention to another person who doesn't need it. And it hurts, it hurts so bad. It hurts me even more because I know even the fact that he used to love me doesn't mean that he's going to love me again the second time after I ditched him in the past. But this feeling is real, and I'm not bluffing.

But tonight I realized, I lost my moon while I'm busy chasing the dimly lit stars.

He has always been my moon, he would light up my way when it gets dark, when it gets cold and I can't find a way out. He never changes a shade. He has always been like that, a bit bumpy in the outside and pale. Far, but close enough to watch over me. Beautiful in every shape of its phase. Caring and loving and has always been true to himself. He's not afraid to show that he's the moon.

What started off as a simple mission; he has to be happy, turns to be a lifetime promise that I want to keep him happy for as long as I can. To get him what he wants and what he needs. Even when I can't be a part of his happiness, because he no longer chooses me.

But that's okay.

Because afterall, I deserve this.

I just hope that one day he will find the right woman to help him shine even brighter that the universe would be jealous of.